Weasel Of Doom

When you leave the baby on his tummy, and come back a few minutes later to find him on his back, and you are the only two people in the house, the only logical conclusion is that somebody figured out how to avoid tummy time :-)

Squeeker can now roll from his tummy onto his back. He did it for me three times, and I attempted to take pictures of the process. Of course, he has not done it again since.

[Disclaimer: I love my kids. It's just that sometimes they are a pain in the butt.]

Yesterday evening, S. was needy and wanted to be held, so I could not do anything unless B. was around. Then D. was up from midnight to about 4 am. Screaming, for no reason that we could determine. It was 6 am by the time I finally went to bed, because the house had to be cleaned (mother- and brother-in-law are over for Christmas dinner; house a disaster zone). For a while there, I thought I would fall asleep washing the kitchen floor. And this morning, S. was back to screaming every time I tried putting him down.

Conversation with my Dad:

Me: So if I am with him, he screams. If B. is with him, he falls asleep.

Dad: He knows his father’s hand.

Me: If he keeps up with the screaming, he is going to know his mother’s hand, too.

[No kids were harmed, though some were asking for it.]

On the plus side, all that is left to clean are the upstairs bathrooms. And then maybe I will actually get to sort though something. And pigs will fly, and hell will freeze over, and it will all be my fault. ;-)

I wish I was a better mother. I wish I would not get frustrated with the kids so easily. I wish I would not lose my temper with them, or at least not lose it in front of my friends. It seems like all the mothers I know are so incredibly patient with their kids. They don’t yell. They don’t threated to put the kid(s) out on the curb with a “free to a good home” sign. They don’t get flustered. And then there is me. This evening Squeeky was refusing to drink from the bottle, and I put him down on the couch to go and warm it up again, and he bounced a little because I let go of him an inch or so above the couch surface, and S. probably thought “worst mother ever” and was absolutely right. I feel like total shit for not putting him down gently. Before I had kids, I was horrified at the stories about parents who shake their kids, or hurt their kids in the heat of the moment – but now that I have two of my own, I can totally see how that can happen, and it scares the hell out of me.

I type this, and wonder what my friends think of me. Do they think I am a horrible mother? Are they as disgusted with me as I am with myself? Do they wonder why I had kids, since I so obviously suck at handling them? Do they wish there was a way they could just be friends with my husband, and not have the psycho-bitch wife hanging around? Can’t blame them if they do. And I am so tired of feeling that way. So tired of hating myself. Should probably go and see a shrink, though that is going to be one pathetic conversation — “No, doctor, there is no reason why I should be so depressed and down on myself. God has blessed me in so many ways. I have a loving husband, two adorable kids, and a good relationship with my parents. I have a job that allows me to be flexible. I have a brain, and on occasion I even get to use it. I have friends. My problems are, in the great scheme of things, totally insignificant. And yet all I want to do is cry. Could I have some Prozac now, pretty please? Because I am pathetic.” Yeah, that would go over real well.

Let’s see… It is 1:30 am. Both kids have been asleep since 10:30 pm. Am I doing anything productive (like writing Christmas cards, or looking through the mail, or washing bottles, or cleaning the kitchen)? Nope. I am sitting on my butt at the computer, doing nothing. If anybody has seen my motivation, please let me know, because I miss it a lot.

I failed the road test again.

*sigh*

Not having a very good December so far. Had the sentinel node biopsy surgery. They removed two lymph nodes and a some flesh where the mole used to reside. Everything checked out – no cancerous cells. The most un-fun part was passing out twice the next day while attempting to throw up. Sorry for that mental image. And now my left arm hurts like a s.o.b. – hard to do anything with it, and with two kids, NOT doing anything is not an option.

Driver’s license test status: in progress. When I went for the road test December 2, they refused to accept my international driver’s license as valid (because it is in French and Russian, no English. Can’t argue with the DMV. Can’t swear at them, either.). So I got my instruction permit instead, went to a different DMV center a week later, and promptly flunked (made a wrong left-hand turn onto a boulevard; did not see it was a boulevard because the median had 10ft of snow it, but oh well. Also did not look around enough.). Going to try again this Tuesday (19th). Not holding my breath. Wonder how many tries it will take. Not looking forward to it. At least here they don’t charge you for each attempt, unlike in Russia.

First week back at work. Trying to get back into the swing of things. Missed two days already, Tuesday because of a doctor’s appt, Friday because I felt like death warmed over (I hate having a sore throat.) Not an auspicious start.

Squeeky’s first week at daycare seem to have gone OK. Because I had to pump-and-dump for two days after the surgery, I have no frozen milk supply left. They had to give him formula a couple of times, because he drank all the milk. And because his feeding schedule is back to being all over the place, I haven’t been able to start rebuilding my stash. And now the poor thing has a cold, too. Despite that, he smiles a lot more now, and coos, and looks at us. He is such a good baby most of the time.

D. is his usual active self. He also has a cold (Squeeker got his from D., I am sure), but not letting it stop him. Also not letting us wipe his nose, but fortunately we are stronger and faster and the snot gets wiped. We are so not D.’s favorite people when we do it, though. He has added more words to his repertoire (unfortunately, “no” seems to be his favorite one), and climbs everything like a little monkey. Very cute, very funny. He still wakes up in the middle of the night and cries for me, almost every night. Poor little guy.

B. killed his PS2, and loaned the X-box to a friend, so he is currently gaming-deprived. He might buy an X-Box 360 after Christmas, we’ll see.

Our new fireplace is installed. It looks very nice. We haven’t tested if it burns well, yet. Pictures to follow when I work up the energy to take them.

As for me, things have been blah. I feel depressed. I miss my parents and my grandparents. I am frustrated that I failed the road test. My arm hurts. I wish I knew where I stand with people. I don’t keep in touch with friends nearly as well as I should, and I am afraid I will lose them all, one by one. I get frustrated with the kids and with B.. In short, I am a regular bundle of joy these days. It sucks.

When I took my written test for the driver’s license, I was told I could schedule a driving test right away to get my probationary one, because I had an international driver’s license already. Imagine our surprise when we showed up for the test this morning and “oh no, this is NOT a valid license, it’s in Russian and French, and we do not speak these languages here.” So they gave me an instructional permit instead, and we will go again next Saturday at 7:50 in the morning, to a different location. To say that I am very annoyed is an understatement.  Anybody wants to bet that I will flunk the test? I mean, the whole “getting an American driver’s license” thing has been cursed from the start. Going to go and work out my frustration shoveling snow.

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Unfortunately, my devious plan of getting everything done while my parents are here has crashed and burned before it managed to get off the ground. Oh well. Some November highlights and lowlights:

– Bad: Had a mole removed. Mole turned out to be a melanoma. Will have sentinel node biopsy done on December 6. On the plus side, we caught it fairly early, so hopefully nothing has spread yet.

– Bad: Bumped into some guy’s car at an intersection. On the plus side, no damage to either cars, and the cop was very nice and did not fine/arrest me for driving with an expired international driver’s license. Also helped me to get my butt in gear and start the process for getting a valid American driver’s license. Aced the written test yesterday, will attempt the driving one tomorrow morning. Eeep. Freaking out about it. Going to tell the examiner that I am not planning to EVER parallel park. Even if my life depended on it.

– Bad: Maternity leave almost over. Parents leaving in a week. Suckage.

– Good: Two friends had successfully given birth. One had a boy, the other twin boys. We are working up to a football team here, people.

– Good: Outside of the house has been decorated for Christmas by the parents. Looks very nice. Dad got rid of all the dimmer switches inside the house. Yay. Kitchen has a new chandelier. House has a new roof, and the insurance check for it should arrive any day now. Our new fireplace will be installed December 11, hopefully making the great room considerably warmer during winter. The new Stanek windows appear to be much better at keeping the cold air out than the original ones, and a representative should arrive this Thursday to (hopefully) resolve the remaining issues. 2006 is going down in history as The Year We Spend A Ton Of Money On The House.

– Good: My cousin Julie was able to fly here from California for a few days, and meet the boys for the first time.

Oh well, Squeeks is crying again. Off I go.