Weasel Of Doom

I wish I was a better mother. I wish I would not get frustrated with the kids so easily. I wish I would not lose my temper with them, or at least not lose it in front of my friends. It seems like all the mothers I know are so incredibly patient with their kids. They don’t yell. They don’t threated to put the kid(s) out on the curb with a “free to a good home” sign. They don’t get flustered. And then there is me. This evening Squeeky was refusing to drink from the bottle, and I put him down on the couch to go and warm it up again, and he bounced a little because I let go of him an inch or so above the couch surface, and S. probably thought “worst mother ever” and was absolutely right. I feel like total shit for not putting him down gently. Before I had kids, I was horrified at the stories about parents who shake their kids, or hurt their kids in the heat of the moment – but now that I have two of my own, I can totally see how that can happen, and it scares the hell out of me.

I type this, and wonder what my friends think of me. Do they think I am a horrible mother? Are they as disgusted with me as I am with myself? Do they wonder why I had kids, since I so obviously suck at handling them? Do they wish there was a way they could just be friends with my husband, and not have the psycho-bitch wife hanging around? Can’t blame them if they do. And I am so tired of feeling that way. So tired of hating myself. Should probably go and see a shrink, though that is going to be one pathetic conversation — “No, doctor, there is no reason why I should be so depressed and down on myself. God has blessed me in so many ways. I have a loving husband, two adorable kids, and a good relationship with my parents. I have a job that allows me to be flexible. I have a brain, and on occasion I even get to use it. I have friends. My problems are, in the great scheme of things, totally insignificant. And yet all I want to do is cry. Could I have some Prozac now, pretty please? Because I am pathetic.” Yeah, that would go over real well.