Weasel Of Doom

something happens to remind me that, in reality, they are getting worse.

I had a talk with my boss today. It started with a phone call, during which I was logical and professional, and he repeatedly told me that I should not be so emotional. It ended in the conference room, with me saying, “Can you forget for a moment that I am a woman and listen to me as if I was one of the guys?” A talk that at one point involved him stating “Am I hearing you correctly that you are saying either only you do [certain part of job] or you won’t do it at all?” Underneath, the subtext was clear – say yes, and there will be trouble. I said “yes.” Then I tried to explain, for 15 minutes, why it is not a good idea to have more than one person doing that particular job. I reiterated that it is not the case of me not wanting to give up power, but instead a case of a job that should not be done by multiple people. I illustrated what can go wrong if the right hand won’t know what the left hand is doing. Waste of breath, as usual. My boss is currently “withholding judgement.”

So, what do I do? Do I hope that things will change this year? Pray for a management shake-up? Lay low? Resign in a blaze of glory? If the situation was like this 3 years ago, I would have left without a thought. But now it is not just me. Reality is that in the last 10 years my professional growth has been virtually non-existant. Reality is that I don’t want to lose my 3 weeks of vacation and generous sick time. Reality is that not many places will be as flexible and understanding. Reality is that I used to like going to work, and now I hate it. Reality is that I still love what I do, and that I am trapped.

S. is learning how to walk. Our last week in Russia, he would occasionally let go of whatever he was holding on to, stand unsupported for a couple seconds, and then plop down with a surprised expression on his face. We tried to show him how to walk, but all he was interested in was going limp and just hanging there whenever somebody would hold him by both hands.

First week back in the States, S. started to stand unsupported a lot more (very likely due to lack of people able to hold him all the time *grins*). He would stand up from a sitting position, disdaining using props to get vertical. Then he decided that standing up would be more of a challenge if he was holding a toy or two as he did it. Then he would make a hesitant step, lose his balance, hit the floor diaper end first, and try again.

This weekend, S. walked the length of a hallway behind a tricycle – it was rolling forward because he was leaning on it, and he was happily following. He can stand unsupported for ten seconds or longer, waving a sippy cup. On a good attempt, he can make three or four little steps before getting back down on all fours and covering the distance in his patented “spider-man crawl” (knees and elbows not touching the ground).

Will S. be able to walk before his first birthday? It seems a safe bet that he will.

Will S. be able to climb down the stairs the normal way (not head-first and hoping for a soft landing)? Doubtfull. So far, even going upstairs gets iffy when he decides to stand up on a step, or sit up and lean backwards. D. was considerably more adept at the stairs when he was S.’s age.

Will S. sleep through the night? Judging by the last month, also doubtful. Between midnight and six am, he was waking up every two hours to nurse up until two days ago, when he started to wake up every hour. I am not sure I can survive another night of that. I do not remember D. going through a similar spell, but that might be a defense mechanism.

Will S. have more than four teeth? Doubtful, as well. It took the upper two three months to finally come out, I am not holding my breath for the rest of them to show up in a hurry.

Will S. wean himself? D. did – around 10 months, he just lost interest in the boob. S. still considers boobs his best friends. Things can change quickly on that front, though, so who knows. I will very likely cut down to one pumping a day at work if he is still nursing by the end of September. Medela and I need to take a break from each other.

Will S. suddenly discover he is a lone ranger at heart? Very doubtful. He and D. are very different in that respect. At a little over a year old, D. once climbed up the stairs to his room and started looking through a book, instead of hanging out with B. and I. S. wants to be with people; if we leave the room, he scoots after us, screaming his displeasure. He is a snuggler. His signature move is a modified hug where he grabs my hair and snuggles to my face first on one side, then on the other. Very very cute, if rather painful from the hair grab. He is also drooling like a fiend, so the hug serves a second purpose – S.’s face is dry when he is done demonstrating affection :)