Jan 19 2009
Future Imperfect
Well, my place of employment decided to get on the “let’s screw people while they are down” bandwagon, and announced that there will be program and staff cuts come March. Why yes, I wanted to spend the whole month of February wondering about job security, thank you very much. (For the record, I do not feel that my job is very secure, hence the hint of bitterness you are tasting :-)
My Dad has been badgering me on GoogleTalk (I have only myself to blame for teaching the parental units how to use the internet for long-distance parenting) about my plans in case I do get laid off. The conversation went something like this:
[Dad]: So what do you want to do if you are laid off?
[Me]: Sit at home, read books, play computer games, knit, and crochet.
[Dad]: The bank will foreclose on your home.
[Me]: Then I will sit in my cardboard box.
[Dad]: What about the children?
I considered typing “they will sit in their individual cardboard boxes, of course!” but decided Dad will not find it amusing.
[Me]: We will send them to live with Grandma and Grandpa in Russia.
At this point Dad went to have a smoking break.
Still, one has to plan for the future, so I did some brainstorming. Ladies and gentlemen, you have been warned!
Weasel’s Plan For Staying Solvent
- Sell BelovedSpouse’s organs on the black market. (This assumes his organs are worth something. Must investigate further.)
- Become a gestational surrogate. (I figure I have about 10 years of child-bearing left in me. Awesome bonus – somebody gets to have a baby out of it, who otherwise wouldn’t have.)
- Market BelovedSpouse as a sperm donor (“Guaranteed* to have a boy!” *Guarantee based on past performance, not a predictor of future performance, no money back in case of girl.)
- Commercial egg donation. (Include pics of cute kids. You can’t tell what little pains in the butt they can be from the photographs.)
- Prostitution. (Someone must want a middle-aged somewhat-overweight Russian-accented hooker, right? Right? I mean, there is no accounting for taste, right? Nothing some darkness and a lot of alcohol won’t cure…)
- If all else fails, give plasma. (Yes, it does not pay much, but better than nothing, right?)
Did I miss anything?
3 Responses to “Future Imperfect”
OMG! LOL! You’re going to put me into labor. The comment about sending them to live in Russia just about put me over!
Your forgetting about selling husband off and/or selling kids off as forced labor.
You could also tell hubby to get a job at McDonalds.
Your writing just kills me. I haven’t read anything that makes me laugh like this in a long time. You’ve got a real knack at this.
you could start your own business stealing tires…teach the kids how to use a car jack, keep some cement blocks in a wagon and with kids in tow, set off. Jack the car up, put it on blocks and steal the tires…then resell the tires. That’s all I have for ingenius business start-up ideas…I’m sure I will come up with a few more.
On a less sarcastic note, damn. I hope they start slashing jobs in another department…I need an ETL person for my team but you’d a) have to move and b) it’s not that exciting, trust me.