Feb 26 2009
How NOT to do layoffs
The axe has fallen, and my position was not among those cut. But oh dear God, what a clusterfuck this has been. From my work to yours, here’s a primer on how to maximize employee misery in these tough economic times:
1) Be as vague as possible. Your workers’ paranoia will rise to hitherto unseen levels as everybody compiles mental lists of “Ten People We Can Definitely Do Without now that HMS Higher Education is sinking.”
2) Don’t acknowledge the possibility that YOU might have had something to do with the dire straits the company is in. Instead, blame the economy. Do not mention gross financial mismanagement that went on for the last five years. Pretend that you don’t have a development team that, for the most part, is (to steal an expression) “pathologically incapable of finding their own ass with a roadmap, a flashlight and a native guide,” let alone raise money. Blame the economy some more.
3) Say that The LORD will take care of those whose positions were cut, because He loves us. Yeah, and He loved Jesus, too, and we all know how that story ended. Loving had never stood in the way of crucifixion. The Bible is littered with corpses of those whom God loved. So, yeah, not very comforting for those of us still in this vale of tears, trying to look for a job in a market that has reached rock bottom and started to dig.
4) Announce the layoffs and program cuts thusly: “It is done. Those affected have been notified. If you haven’t been notified, you are still employed. Good luck figuring out who the unlucky 18 are, because we respect their privacy and won’t tell you.” (I kid, I kid, though the above is a pretty accurate summary. What you should really do is print out a vague 2-page letter on expensive stationery and put it in expensive envelopes, because nothing says “budget crisis” like 2-page letters on official stationary in official envelopes in 1,000 mail boxes. Especially when it is the third such letter in a month. Just saying.)
5) Make sure that it is impossible to figure out the rationale behind the cuts. For example, get rid of part-time receptionists (because, apparently, it does not matter who answers your phones and greets your visitors). And a secretary that supported 60 people (many of whom do not know know a copier from a printer – stay tuned as hilarity ensues when they try to type up their own exams and make their own copies). And the person in charge of phones and card access system (who need that, right?). You get the idea.
6) Be VERY SURPRISED when the shit hits the fan.
