Don’t Drink and Bake

[this post has been back-dated]

Tuesday night did not go as planned. Mel became the latest victim of the plague Xavier has been spreading, so it was just me and the kids. Oh, and my bottle of 24% proof brandy cordial. I was taking a sip here and there while kid-wrangling, and once they were all in bed, I finished my glass, poured another, and decided to bake some cookies. Apparently being slightly inebriated makes me think I can bake. Considering that prior to Tuesday night I have made only two kinds of desserts (apple crisp in the slow cooker OR apple crisp in the oven), you can see that alcohol gave me delusions of competence.

For my first foray into baking, I chose Oatmeal Chocolate Cookies from Baking Bites. Because, you know, a recipe from the oatmeal container is not good enough for us baking goddesses. No, I needed to bake BEST OATMEAL COOKIES EVAR! Cue the ominous music.

Step 1. In a large bowl, cream together the butter and the sugars until mixture is light in color. Hmmm? How do I cream the butter? It sounds vaguely sexual and naughty. Some frantic googling later, it appears a mixer is involved. Except we don’t own one. More frantic googling later, eHow.com has a solution.

Step 1a. Beat the butter with a wooden spoon… Like how? Just whack it with the flat part? It is not impressed. I end up stabbing butter with the edge of a spoon. Stab stabbity stab. Take another sip of cordial. Stab butter some more. Declare it beaten into submission.

Step 1b. …use the bottom of a fork’s tines to gently mash [butter and sugars] together… Gently? It’s butter and sugar, not Waterford crystal. What’s going to happen? Screw gentle. Mash mash mash. Drink some more cordial. Declare it mashed, though since I can’t judge volumes I have no idea if the mix had doubled in volume or not.

Step 2. Beat in the eggs one at a time. This is where I realize that we have jumbo eggs, and the recipe calls for large. Is jumbo bigger than large, or smaller? Decide not to bother googling, since I am not about to divide raw eggs into fractions.

The rest of the process goes OK. By the time the oats and chocolate chips are stirred in, I can barely move the wooden spoon. Who’d have thought cookie dough is so dense?

Step Whatever. Drop 1-inch balls of dough onto the cookie sheet. How do you make a one-inch ball of dough, anyway? I try the ice cream scooper. We have the wrong kind, and the dough clings to it like a lover. Switching to spoon. Anticipating severely deformed cookies.

11 minutes later, the first batch of cookies is out. They have a death grip on the parchment paper, and refuse to let go. I drink more cordial and scrape them off with a metal scraper. This is when Bill comes home from work, and I inform him that baking while drunk-ish was probably a dumb idea.

Surprisingly, the cookies turn out edible. I make a few more batches before the alcohol catches up with me, and I am too tired to stay awake. The remainder of the dough survives three nights in the freezer, and my experiment is officially over as of Friday morning, when I bake the rest of the cookies.

6 thoughts on “Don’t Drink and Bake

  1. I rarely use a mixer for cookies; beating them with a spoon is usually sufficient. As for the eggs, unless the recipe calls for quail eggs or ostrich eggs (or an outrageous number of eggs), it doesn’t make all that much difference what size they are. For putting them on the baking sheet, I use two regular spoons, one to scoop the dough, and the other to scrape the dough off it onto the pan. Glad your experiment worked out! You’ll be making pies next :-)

  2. I’ve only made cookies once without a mixer, when I was visiting Eric before moving up here. So I can imagine how much fun this was. I’m impressed you tried it, knowing your experience. Glad it turned out. Hope you’ll be brave enough to try it again.

    I used to drop cookies by the two spoon method, but I head about using a small scooper (one of the ones with a lever and a thingie to scrap with so they don’t stick) and I switched to that. I make enough cookies to warrant the cost.

    And for the record, jumbo eggs are bigger than large, but only slightly so you were right not to worry about it.

  3. I am contemplating buying the scooper, in case I get tipsy again and decide to commit acts of bakery. How expensive are they, roughly?

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