At first, I could not understand why this hurt me so much. After all, I have known that our marriage was over for more than three years now. I have told Bill, many times, that I am OK with him dating while we are getting ready to file for divorce, and I meant it. I have gone through the stages of grief, I have made my peace with the situation, so why this emotional response?
I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week, and finally realized that deep down inside I never believed I am worthy of being loved, because even I don’t like myself, so how can anybody else? And yet a part of me had always hoped that I was wrong. I wasn’t, and that’s why it hurts so much.
Two years ago, I wrote a list of the things I miss. Back then, I was on the beginning rungs of the Stages of Grief ladder, alternating between denial and anger. Now, I am somewhere in the middle, acceptance mixed with depression. Perhaps two years from now I will be at the end – older, wiser, better, happier. But today
– I still miss being held.
– I still miss knowing that I am loved.
– I still miss snuggling.
– I still miss the security of having a partner.
I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t matter at all. And then I feel like a really selfish bitch because so many people I know are going through shit that’s so much worse…
Well, I am already regretting asking my parents to come visit.
Apparently, when I say “everything is pretty much booked over Christmas Break”, it means that I am looking for excuses and don’t want to give them a straight answer. Because OF COURSE nobody else wants to go to Florida, Puerto Vallarta, or Bahamas over the holidays. Duh.
And then, because I am stupid, I called my cousin, looking for comfort. And got “maybe you are not being enthusiastic enough” and “you are more worried about what Bill’s family will think than how much fun your kids will have.”
Yesterday, I told my parents that Bill and I are separated, and that he wants a divorce. Of course, they wanted to know when it all started. I said, “August”, because, technically, that’s when things got really bad. Had I said “November”, it would have opened a whole ‘nother can of worms, and I was so not up to it.
I’ll immortalize the details of our discussion later (tltr: it’s my fault, and I made my Mother sad), but here’s the email I received today from my Dad:
“Whether or not your marriage survives, in any case, you need to IMMEDIATELY start working on getting your citizenship. Do not waste time. DO IT RIGHT AWAY. That the first and MOST IMPORTANT.
Second. ALL your attention and free time should go to BILL and CHILDREN, not kittens, books, computers, and girlfriends. Call him more often.
We understand how you feel and feel sorry for you, but THIS NEEDS to be done, if you don’t want problems for yourself and us in the nearest future.
I miss being held at night.
I miss knowing that I am loved.
I miss snuggling.
I miss being told that I look sexy.
I miss the security of having a partner.
I miss being asked to stretch after I come out of the shower (never thought I would miss that one, but here we are).