Broken

I’ll be doing OK, and then something will happen, and my bubble of denial pops, and I am confronted once again with the fact that my marriage is over. The eHarmony app on Bill’s phone. The printout of “Your Guide to Separation and Divorce” in the minivan. His casual, “I hope we can stay friends, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to.”

Seventeen years. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health… Now that it looks like “for better” is finally here, I am no longer good enough. It feels like a slap in the face. Another proof of what a failure I am.

Some day, I will make my peace with what my life turned out to be. But today, and tomorrow, and as far into the future as I can see, I am just broken.

gray

(I wrote this a week ago. A few things changed: we got another two days of hot and humid, but now the weather is beautiful. I have actually filed all the Federal taxes. What haven’t changed is my mood. *sigh*)

It has been a weird, depressing spring. Cold and rainy, followed by two days of hot and humid, and now back to cold and rainy again.

I am so tired of everything: of unfinished projects at work and of my trashed house, of unread books and unfiled taxes, of whiny kids with bad attitudes and entitlement issues, of wasted past and uncertain future, of being angry and hating my life all the time. Also, pathetically, of being 40 lbs overweight and having bad hair.

It is probably safe to say that Zoloft is not working anymore.

Or perhaps Zoloft is working perfectly fine, there is just nothing there for it to fix. This scares me more than anything else.

Knowing me, knowing you…

Sometimes, when people ask me how I am doing, I think about telling the truth: “I am fine, except that my husband is tired of trying to make our marriage work, and wants a divorce.”

Awkward…

It’s been about three months since he told me that. Up until then, I was under the mistaken impression that things were actually finally starting to get better. Stupid me.

I was dealing with it pretty well, all things considered, but apparently this week my antidepressants decided to lose the good fight, and for the last few days I have been quietly falling apart. Pretending that things are OK is taking up all my energy. I am barely functioning at work. We have friends coming over this weekend, and all I want to do is lock myself in my bedroom with a book and pretend that the real world does not exist.

It is hard to accept that this is the end. That the last 17 years of my life have, for all intents and purposes, been a failure and a waste. My dead-end job, my dead-end marriage, my dead-end life. I am so terrified of telling my parents that.

The soundtrack of my life, brought to you by ABBA:

Happy Valentine’s Day. FML.

Win Some, Lose Some

The good:

  • Parental units have been here a week, and we have not had a major (or even a minor) fight.
  • The kids are really enjoying having their grandparents (and my Dad’s iPad) around.
  • I have off December 24 through January 1. Hoping to catch up on some sleep and some crafts.

The not-so-good:

  • I don’t know what will happen with my marriage.
  • I don’t know what will happen with my job.
  • I am feeling really fragile, and I have no idea why.

Thankful

In less than 15 minutes, Thanksgiving will be over. I have so much to be thankful for, but all too often I focus on the negatives instead.

  1. I am thankful for my friends, who accept me the way I am, and don’t try to make me into something who I am not. I am thankful for all their support, and for being there for me.
  2. I am thankful for anti-depressants. My life has become much more enjoyable once I started taking them again.
  3. I am thankful for being employed, and that I have many coworkers who are good, kind, caring people.
  4. I am thankful for my kids, who make sure there is never a dull moment in my life.
  5. I am thankful for my husband, who puts up with me and my baggage train of issues.
  6. I am thankful for books that have given me so many hours of enjoyment.
  7. I am thankful for Jigidi.com and all the people who create the puzzles there.
  8. I am thankful for my parents who are coming to visit in a few weeks. We may not always get along, but we do love each other.
  9. I am thankful that the turkey turned out well :-)
  10. I am thankful that I get to sleep in tomorrow :-)

My Little Kitten

(I wrote this post back in April. He still wants to snuggle and tells me that he loves me, but he did stop meowing and licking my hands.)

“Mommy, I love you forever. I want to marry you!”

“Huggy? Snuggles? Mommy, I am your little kitten!”

“Mommy, can you call me Kuzya?”

“I love you, Mommy! Forever!”

“Mommy, I want to snuggle up with you!”

He is just a little over four and a half. I know that I have half a year, at most, and then all this will end. And it makes me so, so sad. My little kitten is growing up :(

If wishes were fishes

If “falling asleep while snuggling with your children” was a superpower, I would have my own comic series by now.

If “staying up until 3 in the morning after waking up at midnight in your child’s bed” was a skill, people would come from all over the world to study at my feet.

If “what the hell was I thinking????” ever needs a poster child, I am available later this morning for a photo shoot.

(posted at 3:15 am on Sunday)

Odds and Ends

Another day, another “it’s two minutes before midnight, I must post SOMETHING” post….

  • “Saga” (written by Brian K. Vaughan and illustrated by Fiona Staples) is an awesome, awesome comic for adults. I got Volume 2 from the library today, and read it while Uncle Mel entertained the kidlets. Definitely buying them if Santa brings me Amazon gift certificates for Christmas or Bill gets a bonus :-)
  • My father needs to rethink his email subject line strategy. For years now, he has been using “Parents” for virtually all of them. Then a few days ago I got one titled “Farewell.” It had a picture of my Mom’s car, which they sold that day. Thanks for the heart attack, Dad!
  • I have six trays of suspicious-quality apples drying right now. Should I die of food poisoning tomorrow, you know what to blame.
  • I have finally updated my “2013 Book Log” and “Mount TBR.” I need to win the lottery so I can stay at home and read books.
  • YoungestOne got into trouble for making a finger gun and shooting a girl in the head. I told him to leave his finger-gun-shooting activities to the privacy of his home :-) It is so sad, though, that innocent games like that now merit a call from the principal…

Feel the love…

After feeling like crap all weekend, and taking a sick day today, I finally took a shower this evening. MiddleOne and YoungestOne were on my bed, solving puzzles on Jigidi.

As I dragged my carcass out and started drying myself, two pairs of inquisitive male eyes gave me an evaluating look.

Me: “Yeah, Mommy is fat.”
MiddleOne: “Mommy is fat! Mommy needs to work out!”
YoungestOne: “Mommy has BIG boobies!”
Me: “Nothing wrong with big boobies, it’s my fat gut I don’t like.”

At which point my two skinny sons lifted their shirts and demonstrated their flat stomachs for me. Rub it in, spawnlets, rub it in…

Ugh

I had a painkiller-resistant headache all day :-( It is finally going away, almost at midnight.

Well, at least the spawnlets made it to gymnastics on time, and MiddleOne to his friend’s birthday party.

I spent the rest of the day upstairs, listening to “Incarceron” and now “Sapphique” on CD, and putting puzzles together.

The Russians Are Coming

My parents are coming to visit. They are flying in on December 11, and leaving on February 1. I am nervous and excited.

This is the first time they are coming here since my grandma died, five years ago. The house has NOT improved in their absence. My parenting skills and recreational preferences have NOT changed for the better. And I have to remember to move the anti-depressants to our bedroom.

I am excited because I love my parents, and miss them, and wish we lived closer. They love my kids, and the kids love them.

I am nervous because in person I annoy the hell out of them. We get along great on Skype, but virtually every time they have visited have been a disaster, starting with my wedding (oh dear god, what a clusterfuck that was) and going on from there. I say and do all the wrong things; if an action or a word or facial expression can get misinterpreted, it does; the disapproval and disappointment in my parents’ eyes makes me feel like a total loser.

I thought I was doing good at not disappointing them this summer. Then I asked my Dad if they plan to come and live with us in America. His reply was, basically, “Dear God, NO! We’d fight all the time! Now we are holding our tongues and not saying anything, but if we were living together, we’d point out all the things you do that we don’t approve of…” It’s a good thing we were in the village, because I could walk out into a field and cry, and nobody saw me.

I am glad they are coming, but I am not “expecting the best and preparing for the worst”. I am expecting the worst and preparing myself for arguments and disapproval and disappointment. And who knows, maybe this will be the visit that actual goes well. Stranger things have happened (see: good parent-teacher conferences a few weeks ago).