Buyer’s Remorse

Well, I am already regretting asking my parents to come visit.

Apparently, when I say “everything is pretty much booked over Christmas Break”, it means that I am looking for excuses and don’t want to give them a straight answer. Because OF COURSE nobody else wants to go to Florida, Puerto Vallarta, or Bahamas over the holidays. Duh.

And then, because I am stupid, I called my cousin, looking for comfort. And got “maybe you are not being enthusiastic enough” and “you are more worried about what Bill’s family will think than how much fun your kids will have.”

Fuck my life.

I Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Yesterday, I told my parents that Bill and I are separated, and that he wants a divorce. Of course, they wanted to know when it all started. I said, “August”, because, technically, that’s when things got really bad. Had I said “November”, it would have opened a whole ‘nother can of worms, and I was so not up to it.

I’ll immortalize the details of our discussion later (tltr: it’s my fault, and I made my Mother sad), but here’s the email I received today from my Dad:

“Whether or not your marriage survives, in any case, you need to IMMEDIATELY start working on getting your citizenship. Do not waste time. DO IT RIGHT AWAY. That the first and MOST IMPORTANT.

Second. ALL your attention and free time should go to BILL and CHILDREN, not kittens, books, computers, and girlfriends. Call him more often.

We understand how you feel and feel sorry for you, but THIS NEEDS to be done, if you don’t want problems for yourself and us in the nearest future.

Pull yourself together and move forward.”

I have no words.

Suckstones

Sunday, September 7, 2014 – Bill tells me that he does not think trying to save our marriage is working out. When we talked at the airport before I left to pick up the kids from Russia, I hoped that maybe we had a chance. It took less than two weeks after I returned to prove me wrong.

Sunday, September 20, 2014 – I can no longer bring myself to sleep in our king-size bed, because it is painfully obvious that Bill does not want me there. I sleep in the study now.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014 – we fill out a family update form during the kids’ annual check up at the pediatrician’s office. The first question is asking about parents’ status. We circle “Separated.”

Still to come: talking to the kids. Telling my parents. Notifying HR office at work. Letting my family know. Changing relationship status on Facebook… Something tells me I’ll be crying myself to sleep more often than not in the coming weeks :(

Broken

I’ll be doing OK, and then something will happen, and my bubble of denial pops, and I am confronted once again with the fact that my marriage is over. The eHarmony app on Bill’s phone. The printout of “Your Guide to Separation and Divorce” in the minivan. His casual, “I hope we can stay friends, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to.”

Seventeen years. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health… Now that it looks like “for better” is finally here, I am no longer good enough. It feels like a slap in the face. Another proof of what a failure I am.

Some day, I will make my peace with what my life turned out to be. But today, and tomorrow, and as far into the future as I can see, I am just broken.

gray

(I wrote this a week ago. A few things changed: we got another two days of hot and humid, but now the weather is beautiful. I have actually filed all the Federal taxes. What haven’t changed is my mood. *sigh*)

It has been a weird, depressing spring. Cold and rainy, followed by two days of hot and humid, and now back to cold and rainy again.

I am so tired of everything: of unfinished projects at work and of my trashed house, of unread books and unfiled taxes, of whiny kids with bad attitudes and entitlement issues, of wasted past and uncertain future, of being angry and hating my life all the time. Also, pathetically, of being 40 lbs overweight and having bad hair.

It is probably safe to say that Zoloft is not working anymore.

Or perhaps Zoloft is working perfectly fine, there is just nothing there for it to fix. This scares me more than anything else.

Knowing me, knowing you…

Sometimes, when people ask me how I am doing, I think about telling the truth: “I am fine, except that my husband is tired of trying to make our marriage work, and wants a divorce.”

Awkward…

It’s been about three months since he told me that. Up until then, I was under the mistaken impression that things were actually finally starting to get better. Stupid me.

I was dealing with it pretty well, all things considered, but apparently this week my antidepressants decided to lose the good fight, and for the last few days I have been quietly falling apart. Pretending that things are OK is taking up all my energy. I am barely functioning at work. We have friends coming over this weekend, and all I want to do is lock myself in my bedroom with a book and pretend that the real world does not exist.

It is hard to accept that this is the end. That the last 17 years of my life have, for all intents and purposes, been a failure and a waste. My dead-end job, my dead-end marriage, my dead-end life. I am so terrified of telling my parents that.

The soundtrack of my life, brought to you by ABBA:

Happy Valentine’s Day. FML.

Win Some, Lose Some

The good:

  • Parental units have been here a week, and we have not had a major (or even a minor) fight.
  • The kids are really enjoying having their grandparents (and my Dad’s iPad) around.
  • I have off December 24 through January 1. Hoping to catch up on some sleep and some crafts.

The not-so-good:

  • I don’t know what will happen with my marriage.
  • I don’t know what will happen with my job.
  • I am feeling really fragile, and I have no idea why.

Thankful

In less than 15 minutes, Thanksgiving will be over. I have so much to be thankful for, but all too often I focus on the negatives instead.

  1. I am thankful for my friends, who accept me the way I am, and don’t try to make me into something who I am not. I am thankful for all their support, and for being there for me.
  2. I am thankful for anti-depressants. My life has become much more enjoyable once I started taking them again.
  3. I am thankful for being employed, and that I have many coworkers who are good, kind, caring people.
  4. I am thankful for my kids, who make sure there is never a dull moment in my life.
  5. I am thankful for my husband, who puts up with me and my baggage train of issues.
  6. I am thankful for books that have given me so many hours of enjoyment.
  7. I am thankful for Jigidi.com and all the people who create the puzzles there.
  8. I am thankful for my parents who are coming to visit in a few weeks. We may not always get along, but we do love each other.
  9. I am thankful that the turkey turned out well :-)
  10. I am thankful that I get to sleep in tomorrow :-)

My Little Kitten

(I wrote this post back in April. He still wants to snuggle and tells me that he loves me, but he did stop meowing and licking my hands.)

“Mommy, I love you forever. I want to marry you!”

“Huggy? Snuggles? Mommy, I am your little kitten!”

“Mommy, can you call me Kuzya?”

“I love you, Mommy! Forever!”

“Mommy, I want to snuggle up with you!”

He is just a little over four and a half. I know that I have half a year, at most, and then all this will end. And it makes me so, so sad. My little kitten is growing up :(

If wishes were fishes

If “falling asleep while snuggling with your children” was a superpower, I would have my own comic series by now.

If “staying up until 3 in the morning after waking up at midnight in your child’s bed” was a skill, people would come from all over the world to study at my feet.

If “what the hell was I thinking????” ever needs a poster child, I am available later this morning for a photo shoot.

(posted at 3:15 am on Sunday)